100 Things Balisk is No Longer Allowed To Do
by riddle101
Summary: The title says it all. Balisk is my OC. Rated M just in case.
1. Chapter 1

**100 Things I, Balisk Acton, am not allowed to do**

1. I am not allowed to start an "I hate Snape" Club.

2. If the thought of an activity makes me laugh, giggle and/or smile for longer than six seconds, it is understood that I am not allowed to do it.

3. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to water balloons (and not just because George thought of it first).

4. I am not allowed to lock any students of my choice in a broom cupboard to see which groups come out scuffled and which ones come out looking like they've just shacked up.

5. I am not allowed to join in any out-of-class activity including the Weasly twins as it always gets me into trouble. _(Does that include holidays?) _(I assume not, George, it didn't say on the list.) _(Fantastic!)_

6. I am not allowed to use the Gryffindor and Slytherin first years as Christmas decorations, even if they do match the color scheme.

7. I am not allowed to hang my git of a cousin from the Whomping Willow.

8. I am not allowed to have any pointed objects, nor am I allowed to explain why.

9. Even though Malfoy wasn't that hurt.

10. I am not allowed to sing "I Can't Wait to be King" while walking down the corridor.

11. I am not allowed to sing anything while walking down the corridor.

12. I am not allowed to pole dance anywhere in the castle as it often makes people uncomfortable and/or aroused. **(That was NOT part of the list, Mr. Acton!)** (You never said I couldn't add anything. Deal with it.)

13. I am no longer allowed to play strip wizard chess with anyone in the common room.

14. Or anywhere for that matter.

15. In fact, I am not allowed to be naked ANYWHERE in the castle.

16. I am not allowed to tell everyone that Draco is gay. His personal life is none of my bloody business.

17. Even if he is an annoying git.

18. I am not allowed to dress in women's clothing. Ever.

19. Even if it does make me look damn sexy.

20. I am not allowed to walk around in nothing but my underwear.

21. I am not allowed to announce that I have herpes in public.

22. Or in private.

23. I am not allowed to have the "Sex Talk" with any of the first years.

24. I am no longer allowed to steal articles of clothing from any Slytherin students.

25. Even if I look sexy in green.

26. I am not allowed to yell at Harry for taking all of my condoms.

27. Nor am I allowed to yell at him for stealing my "Playwizard: All Boys" magazine.

28. And not only because people will think _I'm_ gay.

29. I am not allowed to tell Ron in public that he needs to stop spying on my in the shower and that this is just a phase.

30. I am not allowed to ask Lee if he fantasizes about Neville in the shower.

31. I am not allowed to ask anyone if they fantasize about anyone, anywhere.

32. I am not allowed to pay first years to streak across the grounds.

33. I am not allowed to wear an "I love penis" t-shirt anywhere.

34. I am not allowed to make up "Wood" jokes about Oliver Wood with the Weasly twins.

35. I am not allowed to give anyone a lap dance.

36. Especially if they pay me.

37. Singing "I'm Too Sexy for My Cloak" in any class will not get me a better grade.

38. Flirting with third years is not funny, it is tasteless.

39. Even if they enjoy it. Which they do.

40. I am not allowed to kiss Fred or George in public. _(Well, I think it's funny.)_ (I think it's sexy.) (Fred XD)

41. I am not allowed to play "Guess My Cup Size" with anyone.

42. Even if it is a good pass time.

43. I am not allowed to tell Lee he makes me hot.

44. I am not allowed to tell anyone they make me hot. _(Do I make you hot?)_ (Of course you do, George.) (I'm such a third wheel.) (Don't worry, Fred. You make me hot, too. You're identical, after all.) _(I like this list.)_

45. I am not allowed to tell Dean Thomas that he's delicious.

46. Even if it's true. Which it is.

47. I am not to ask Snape if he has his testicles in a jar in his pantry.

48. Dusky is not responsible for anything I do.

49. Because Dusky is a cat. Plus he's too freaking adorable.

50. I am not allowed to insist that Fred or George is my bitch.

51. Even if I do have them whipped_. __(I'm not your bitch. Fred is. You just get us mixed up.)_(…Yes master.)(XD God I love you guys…)

52. I am not allowed to offer Snape a breath mint when he speaks to me.

53. I am not allowed to use the quidditch goal posts as stripper poles.

54. Even if I use it to distract the opposing team.

55. Lee is a straight male, so I should probably stop flirting with him.

56. Even though I flirt with _everyone_, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

57. Just because I'm legally a genius doesn't mean I can skip class.

58. Or make out with anyone during class.

59. Or have sex during class.

60. I should really just sit there and do nothing like everyone else.

61. I am not allowed to send magical copies of Draco's birthmark to all his enemies considering where it is. No one needs to see that.

62. I am not allowed to make my own porno.

63. Even if I myself am not in it.

64. I am not allowed to tell Draco to "Choke on it."

65. Nor am I allowed to say he probably wouldn't "Choke on it" because he "has practiced so much" on Blaise Zabini.

66. I am not allowed to tell anyone to "Suck it" either.

67. Even though they should feel honored to even be asked.

68. My Patronus is not a T-rex, no matter how much I want it to be.

69. I am not allowed to tell everyone that I'm called Balisk because I get into everyone's "Chamber of Secrets".

70. I am not allowed to jump someone if they call me "Avery".

71. I am not allowed to jump Malfoy because he called me "Avery" again.

72. That bastard.

73. I am not allowed to dye Dumbledore's beard and/or hair.

74. Even if he asks nicely.

75. I am not allowed to dye my own hair.

76. I am not allowed into any adult bars.

77. I am not allowed to grow a beard for the sole purpose of getting into said bars.

78. I am not allowed to perform at these bars, either.

79. I am not allowed anywhere near the girl's restroom.

80. …Or the boy's…

81. I am not allowed to skip down the hallways singing "It's Raining Men".

82. I am not allowed to suddenly smile out of nowhere when I'm sitting in class. It makes people feel the need to run from the room screaming.

83. I am not allowed to ask Fred or George, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking," in public. It scares people.

84. I am not allowed to profess my undying love to anyone in the hallway. That also scares people.

85. I am not allowed to spike Malfoy's drink at dinner with fire whiskey.

86. I am not allowed to be in possession of fire whiskey.

87. I am not allowed to answer any "Why would you..?" question with "Why not?"

88. Telling Malfoy that his future cellmate in Azkaban will appreciate how pretty he is isn't funny, as it tends to make him have nightmares.

89. I am not allowed to tell anyone other than the Weasly twins about the inner workings of my mind since when I told them to Malfoy's father, he sat in a corner and cried for several hours.

90. Claiming that I am a Buddha incarnate does not make the Buddhists at Hogwarts want to worship me.

91. Telling every male student in Hogwarts that I love cock tends to send the wrong message; therefore I should stop doing it.

92. In fact, I am henceforth not allowed to tell anyone that I love any part of male anatomy.

93. I would be banned to say that of female anatomy, but I don't, so it isn't a problem.

94. I am not allowed to show up to breakfast, lunch, or dinner without clothes, even if I'm far more comfortable in my birthday suit.

95. I am not allowed to convince first years that slamming their heads repeatedly against the nearest hard surface will help them think during end-of-term exams.

96. Asking anyone if they want to see my "Magic Wand" is classified as sexual harassment, even if they laugh.

97. It is neither wise nor polite to spit in Snape's pumpkin juice at dinner.

98. I am not allowed to sacrifice third years to the giant squid. Even if they annoy me.

99. I am not allowed to perform any of these acts again, if I do not wish to be expelled (even though I won't be).

100. I am not allowed to use this list as a paper airplane, line a bird cage with it, or use in any way other than its intended purpose.

"This is a bunch of bull sh—"

"Mr. Acton, language!" Snape hissed from across the desk, as Balisk finished the list.

As Balisk spoke the last rule, it appeared to be written by an invisible source on the long piece of parchment.

Fred and George sat beside him, amused after reliving all the hell they'd raised in the past few years they'd been at school.

"Fine, fine. Just so you know, I don't think anything is considered sexual harassment if the 'victim', so to speak, doesn't press charges."

Snape glared across the desk and rolled up the parchment.

"If you do anything out of the line of code in this castle again, I will make sure you write out each new rule—and the old ones—yourself. Now get out of my sight."

"Gladly," Balisk breathed. He smirked as he got up and pulled something out of his pocket and sat it on the desk before retreating from the room with Fred and George at his heels.

Snape looked down at the object and read the piece of paper connected to the bottle.

You'd be my favorite teacher if you washed up every now and again.

~Balisk.

Snape crumpled up the note before promptly throwing it away with the bottle of soap.

That boy could be so infuriating sometimes…


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own Harry Potter, Sorry.

Balisk sighed as he was once again shoved into Snape's office alongside his best friend, Fred Weasley. George was nowhere in sight because he'd made the mistake of testing one of his own creations _alone_ and was currently have his extra limbs taken care of in the hospital wing.

"What the fu—"

"Mr. Acton, language!" Snape hissed as his slammed the door to his office and pointed to the chairs in front of his desk, "SIT."

Balisk rolled his eyes (Snape flinched at this, as it made him look at the boy's eyes or, more correctly, his _right_ eye) but obeyed and sat in one of the chairs, Fred taking the other.

"I warned you, Mr. Acton. I told you if you committed any more felonies, I would have you back in my office. Did I not?"

"You did," Balisk replied, examining his fingernails with as little interest as he was listening to his professor with.

"And what did you immediately go out and do the moment I let you out of my sight?"

"Well, to begin with, I cursed Malfoy for stealing Neville's wand. I shoved Malfoy's head into a toilet for doing the same to one of the first years. Oh! And I hung that git from a tree for pushing Neville's trunk down the stairs."

"Do _not_ try to justify what you did by saying you were defending anyone. And I don't want any comments from _you_—" Snape glared at Fred, who had opened his mouth to defend Balisk, "You and your brother have done more damage than him!"

"Hey, don't go dragging him into this!" Balisk defended, glaring at Snape and making him flinch again.

"On to your punishment," Snape turned from them and grabbed a long piece of parchment, "You are going to repeat your infidelities and charm them onto this parchment."

"What the—"

"Mr. Acton," Snape warned.

"_Eff_. This is ridiculous; I haven't done anything _that_ bad."

"Just repeat them, Mr. Acton, before I send you to the head master."

Balisk bit back the retort of, _He thinks what I do is funny_, and took the parchment from Snape.

I am not allowed to flirt with the fat lady.

I am not allowed to breathe heavily in the presence of others.

I am not allowed to use my good looks to get things without paying.

I am not allowed to beat up first years for looking at my eye.

I am not allowed to kill Draco.

Though there are many in Hogwarts that wish I could.

I am not allowed to be pen pals with prisoners in Azkaban.

Or with the local child molesters.

I am not allowed to have pen pals, period.

I am not allowed to assert my dominance over lower years.

This is because someone sees an innuendo in it that I don't.

Oh…I get it now.

I am not allowed to nick food from the kitchens.

I am not allowed to tell the house elves to call me Master Elvis.

And not only because they don't know who Elvis is.

I am not allowed to beat anyone with my broom.

What is with all of these sexual innuendos? I wish they would just finish.

…Haha.

I am not allowed to tell Lee I want his children.

Nor am I allowed to say this to Dean Thomas.

Or Fred.

Or Ron.

I've never said it to George, though I think it's only fair that I do. (Fred, tell George I want his children the next time you see him.) (Of course, Balisk.) (Fantastic, moving on.)

I am henceforth never allowed to procreate.

As is stated by law 186 section 4 article 12 in the Ethical Magic Code of Conduct rule book.

I think putting it in a law book is unnecessary, considering I'm not planning on having children.

Children annoy me.

I am not allowed to tell children that they annoy me.

I think they know by now, anyway.

I am not allowed to charm the screaming books in the library to scream at a certain time every day.

Nor am I allowed to do this after stuffing them under Malfoy's bed.

I am not allowed to set the drapes on fire just because I think they're ugly.

I am not allowed to set Malfoy on fire just because I think he's ugly.

I am not allowed to set fire to anything.

I am not allowed to smoke on school grounds.

Really, I am not allowed to smoke anywhere, because Mum with beat me with her broom until I spit it out.

I am not allowed to forcefully give Malfoy a crew cut.

I am not authorized to give anyone a circumcision.

No matter how many times I've read about them in the muggle post.

I am henceforth banned from the restricted section of the library.

Really, I should be banned from the library, period.

I am not allowed to use my wand to perform any sexual acts.

Not that I ever have, but this has given me the idea.

I am not allowed to say swear words in the presence of adults.

Even though Professor Dumbledore finds it entertaining to hear me curse.

I am not allowed to send Dusky to the Slytherin common room to plant dung bombs anymore.

I am to be informed that if there are any more strange explosions and/or noises coming from my four-poster bed, the proper authorities will be contacted.

I am not allowed to poke a Hufflepuff repeatedly in the forehead to "Assert my dominance" over them.

I am no longer allowed to try to assert my dominance over anyone. Ever.

Because everyone already knows I'm the top dog.

Just because I use air quotes when reciting something does not automatically make it untrue.

This is why I am not allowed to use air quotes while reciting the "Rules".

I am not allowed to use any potions to give myself the likeness of Fred and George then convince people there are even _more_ of them.

I am not allowed to spread the rumor that I've gone deaf so people won't speak to me.

I am not allowed to curse someone for talking to me on what Lee calls "One of my pissy days".

I am not allowed to beat the living hell out of anyone for asking me why I'm PMSing so much.

I am not allowed to spread the rumor that I am blind so I have an excuse for beating Malfoy repeatedly with my cane.

I am not allowed to beat Malfoy with my cane and explain that "He was being a selfish hoe and keeping money from me".

I am not allowed to refer to my cane as my "Pimp cane".

Nor am I allowed to refer to my…other cane as such.

*wink wink*

I should stop flirting with the second-year girls as it gets their hopes up.

I am not allowed to use my Veela charms on the boys at school.

I am not allowed to sell pictures of my biological mother to the boys at school.

Gods knows what they'd do with them.

_I_ know what they'd do with them.

I am not God.

The Christian students don't appreciate it when I claim to be.

Not that I care.

I am not allowed to lick people's cheeks for the sheer pleasure of making them horridly uncomfortable.

It is unsanitary and weird.

I am not allowed to call people "Queer", even though where _I_ come from, it means "Strange".

To use the word any other way would mean I'm a Yankee, which I'm not.

I am not allowed to flip the bird to my professors.

Even though I've only ever done it to Snape.

I'm not allowed to braid the headmaster's beard.

Even though he asks me to, it's unprofessional.

Though I can't ever think of a time where Dumbledore was exactly "Professional".

I am not allowed to claim that I need a sacrifice or I will become a terrifying monster.

I am not to say that this sacrifice must be blond, grey-eyed, and annoying.

Nor am I allowed to say he must be hung from one of the sword bearing statues on the outside walls by his undergarments.

I am not allowed to hug Dean in public.

Or private.

Or anywhere in between.

Even though Dean happens to enjoy my hugs.

I am not allowed to claim that I am immortal, therefore people should give me stuff.

I am not allowed to change my name to "B-man McPimpingstein".

I am not allowed to sell lewd pictures of myself or any other person on the school grounds.

It would probably be a good idea not to do it outside of school either, since I'm technically underage.

I am not allowed to tell the first years that if they yell, "Fuck officus!" at Snape, he will disappear.

I am not allowed to be a stripper.

The real money's in pimping, anyway.

I'm surprised that Snape has so far not interrupted me.

**(It has become a chore. I give up…)**

Anyway…This list is not a challenge.

Therefore I am not allowed to treat it as a challenge.

I am not allowed to set this list on fire.

This is a punishment for my own good that I should take seriously.

I am not allowed to repeat any of these actions for the rest of my natural-born life.

My natural-born life extends outside of school.

"There, am I done?" Balisk asked, pushing the parchment across the desk.

"Yes, you are. I don't want to have to bring you in here again, Mr. Acton."

"Whatever, whatever." Balisk waved his hand dismissively, "Can I go now?"

"You may."

Balisk smirked and stood from his seat, Fred slinging an arm around him as they walked out. When he reached the door where Snape couldn't see him, he took out a paper crane a blew on it gently, causing it to flutter through the air towards it predestined target.

Snape's brow furrowed when he felt an insistent poking to his forehead. He looked up at a paper bird's feeble attempt to gain his attention. He snatched it from the air and tore it open, glaring at the neat, familiar handwriting.

_Maybe if you beat a certain annoying Slytherin git, you'd feel better._

_P.S. I know I do._

_~B. Acton_


End file.
